Afrikaners : How to avoid genocide.

You often hear Afrikaans saying untrue stupid things. Things like “ A boer maak ‘n plan” (A boer makes a plan) for example. Judging by Afrikaners the only plan they make over and over is to sit around drinking brandy and being ignorant. Another such idiotic thing they often say is “We are victims of genocide” , to which I always say “Amazingly , not yet !”

So while it’s true that as of yet there has been no agenda to actively kill Afrikaans people, I certainly don’t feel we can hope to preserve the status quo much longer. This is because of four main reasons.

1)Sokkie dancing.

Sokkie dancing is one of those unique social past times which entertainment value would actually be greatly enhanced if everyone died violently. But let me tell you how I real feel about it. There has been something lacking from every sokkie dance I’ve been to, and that thing is an serial killer armed with a machete. Add this one simple aspect and a god awful sokkie dance suddenly has the potential to be awesome. Remove it however and what we’ve got in the worst aspects of drunken incest, fat people and dancing all rolled into one.. There should be a test administered to humanity to determine whether you are allowed to live or not, and the first thing is should ask about is sokkie dancing. So to me that presents an obvious choice. Either stubbornly carry on sokkie dancing, but accept that it will involve a machete. Or stop. You choose.

2)Mag wheels and loud sound systems.

I don’t even know what a mag wheel is. That’s how awesome I am. But I hear Afrikaners talking about them all the time. I think it’s those things they put in the wheels of their Nissan and mazda 1400 bakkies that actually cost more than the whole bakkie. All I know is I’d rather be necklaced by my own tires than have mag wheels. Worse than this they have a tendency to deck their little dutchmobiles out with the loudest crappies speakers imaginable and drive around playing the crappiest, dumbest music available. When I see this happened I can’t believe they do it on purpose and try and credit them with some humanity. I make myself think what happened is they mistake the volume button for the tuner. They aren’t trying to play that idiotic kurt Darren sh!t louder , they’re trying to tune to another station. I need to believe this to help myself sleep at night.

3)The blue bulls.
Don’t get me wrong , I like rugby and I’m not talking about the side. I’m talking about the fans. If we could think of the world of rugby as a rock concert , the blue bulls fans would be the portable toilet. Now it’s a chicken and the egg thing for me. What came first ? Are Afrikaners ignorant and stupid fat pricks because they are blue bulls fans ? Or perhaps blue bulls fans ignorant and stupid fat pricks because they are Afrikaners ? It doesn’t matter anyway. All I know is that you can be sure that sometimes during your weekend your day and general sense of optimism for humanity with be thwarted by some loud drunk asshole in a blue bulls jersey.

4) Afrikaners calling other people stupid.

Is it just me or does anyone else get the general feeling that a group of people whose greatest ever achievement was taking a walk, whose lyrics to a number 1 hit was "boeremeisies rule", who historically pride themselves on being utterly ignorant and solving problems with their fists rather than brains, should not have a lot to say about the intellect of others ? Whenever I hear an Afrikaans person calling someone else's ethnic group stupid I cover my eyes with my hands in case I'm in a glass house. The only thing more ironic that this is an Afrikaans person making fun of a black south African accent. Do I really need to point out the irony here ?

Now if these things could be eradicated I suggest the safety of the Afrikaans people would be greatly enhanced. It’s advice and it’s free. Use it or don’t use it.

Real issues : Dutchmen.

Excuse my absence these past few days , but to be perfectly honest the weather has been far too beautiful my side of the country to bother even thinking about getting on a computer. Reason number 1 974 532 to love South Africa : the weather.

Now that I've effectively debunked all the false snake oil notions of South Africa going around the Internet , I thought I'd turn my attention for the moment to some of the actual real problems plaguing our beautiful land. Despite it's mostly excellent government and improving social conditions , South Africa is not without its hindrances. I thought I'd bring the top 5 perils facing our nation today to your attention this week. These are in no specific order , but I'll start today with number 1.

Problem 1 : Afrikaners

So what do I have against Afrikaners ?

Nothing.

What would I like against them ?

A big Anvil.

Seriously a group of people who celebrate as their greatest achievement as the time they went on a long walk , can't be much good. And on closer inspection that's is exactly right. They're no good at all.

Now it goes without saying that Afrikaaners are crap. A nation that identifies with people who rode around on horses dressed as a mixture between zz top and boy scouts , can't fairly be described as “not crap”. It's however how this crapness seeps into and infects South African culture , oozing like puss from every radio station and tv set that is the inherent problem.

Now I'm not proposing we kill Afrikaners or anything so dramatic. They have in fact proved very useful in the new South Africa by guarding our cars and cleaning the toilets. However I do have to insist that we do a little something about their interference in popular culture in our country. In the spirit of offering a solution for cultural vermin that Afrikaners are , I propose the following measures be put into place.

1)Exterminate Kurt Darren. The very social fabric that weaves civilisation together almost rips apart upon every Kurt Darren album release. I fear we are one fat kurt pelvic thrust away from being thrown into a primeval state of chaos and decay.

2)Ban the Afrikaans language. The whole thing just sounds like people gargling , spitting , coughing up phlemgn and burping anyway. It's not as if Afrikaners ever have anything intelligent or interesting to say anyway , so why do they need a language ?

3)Take 7 De Laan off the air and replace it with something more entertaining such as footage of freshly painted walls. Or at least something more dignified like midget wrestling. The red haired one however can be allowed to stay on television on provision she is never allowed to speak or wear clothing. A fair compromise (call me !) . Every episode of 7 De Laan being screened is travelling across the universe as we speak , and god help us if any aliens ever pick it up , because they'll be manning their star cruisers and cocking their laser guns with South Africa in their sights. 7 De Laan is a galactic suicide note.

4)Ban Sokkie dancing. I really shouldn't have to explain why. Just do it. For the sake of our children's future. Please , think of the children.

5)Burn any two tone khaki shirts in existence. This really is for their own benefit because when the time comes that I am king, let's face it, you may as well just wear a target on your chest than a two tone shirt. Not to sound meterosexual or anything , but a two tone shirt is the fashion equivalent of child rape. When I am King you will be first against the wall.


There. I think I've proposed 5 very elegant and practical solutions to help "perfect" our country. Write your local government representative and express your approval.

Afrikaans "culture".

Somethings in the world are worth preserving. Figs for example. Others ? Well....not so much.

Take the Afrikaans language and culture for example. I often read and hear about Afrikaans people complaining that their culture and language are being taken away from them. This is incredibly strange to me because it's the equivalent of a cancer patient moaning because they're having a tumour removed !

If one had to pin point the single most responsible thing for ensuring that Afrikaaners were some of the most despised repugnant beings in the known universe, one need look no further than their culture and language.

Get over it dutchies ! It's for your own good that your culture is being taken away. It's for the lack of a better word a crap culture. It's not so much a culture as the celebration of pure ignorance and stupidity. Being afrikaans basically comprises of being a hateful twat (except drunker). It alienates you from the rest of humanity who have joined the 21st century, embraced the idea that "thinking" is desirable and frankly realised that progress is a good thing. Every day you remain stubbornly afrikaans is a day that people hate you.

With that in mind I ask a serious question: What exactly is it you are holding on to ? Why would you want to continue making total fat arses of yourself by perpatuating afrikaans culture ? Surely you want to better yourselves and educate yourselves by rejecting your backwards babarian way of thinking and acting ? Surely you want to strive for some form of human dignity ?

So here's an idea. Instead of defending with all your might that thing that holds you back as a people (ie : your god-awful culture and language) just let it go. Everyone will like you more and maybe even think of you as a human being. It's free advice...use it/don't use it.

Human recycling.

What do we do with something when it's no longer of any use or desire and basically just a piece of trash ?

Recycle of course !! And what's the most useless, unwanted trash in South Africa ?

That's right ! Afrikaners !

The following article suggest that we use Afrikaners as police men.

http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/traps/2008/09/09/turn-to-the-afrikaans-community-on-police-recruitment/

Clever I thought. It’s not like we need them, or they are doing anything valuable with their time anyway. Perfect Cannon fodder ! You could probably pay them in klipdrift and coke.

But then it got me thinking. What else can we do with our Afrikaners ? I mean we make use of other useless garbage through the process of recycling, why let Afrikaaners (the most useless rubbish of all) go to waste ?

Anyway I came up with a few suggestions of my own.

Sign posts.

Afrikaners are always standing around street corners with cardboard signs these days anyway. Seeing as they are there anyway, why not just hang street signs straight onto the Afrikaners ? South Africa looses a lot of money through having to replace street signs everyday through drunk motorists knocking them down. Sure , we'll still loose street signs (Afrikaners) to stray motorists , but it’ll be funnier.

Traffic lights.

Just like the first suggestion , have Afrikaans couples arm in arm on a street corner. Put a red sign on the back of the women and a green one on the back of the men. When ever you need the light to change you play some sokkie music.

Afrikaaners : intellectual anorexics.

Right off the cuff there I know it seems like I'm being typically obnoxious and carrying on my current anti Afrikaans hate tirade.

Fail.

I'm actually trying to point out something I consider quite seriously. So slooooow down. There's nothing up my sleeve here but good intentions. Listen and you might learn something. As I explained in my previous comments page : I'm not trying to hate...I'm trying to help.

I don't think the afrikaaner community often enough engages in a much needed process of self reflection. Ths is for one main reason : They're so drowned in self pity they don't see the wood for the trees.Show me a group of afrikaaners in casual conversation and I'll show you a group of people likely currently engaging in ether hate speech , or even worse , rugby talk. Both things should be banned in any sane country striving to regulate it's public to be dignified and civilised members of the planet, but the rugby talk is not really that dangerous is you limit the brandy intake. So the problem remains the hate speach.

So what is it that makes the Afrikaans community so hateful or everyone ? Some of them might point out it's because they've been f#cked around for a good few years by the English. True enough we did put down a mean can of super whip ass on them, and no matter how often bok van blerk sings it from your 1400 nissen bakkies there's sweet f#ck all you can do about it. But for gods sakes get over it. My great , great grandmother was in the concentration camps policed by my great great grandfather and the result is me. So overall it was a very good thing and we should all remember that. It took the death and suffering of a great many people but the result of it was Rooster and in my perspective (which by the way is always right) was worth it.

Seriously though (cause when I talk callously about peoples suffering you can be sure I'm not being serious....except kurdt Darren and Dave obviously...F#ck those guys.) isn't it time to drop the self pity ?

I know you have this feeling that everyone is out to get you and that no one likes you. But do you know why ? You're suffering a deep sense of repressed guilt. Somewhere in your dark dutchy souls (if you have any) you must know what total arrogant , thoughless, cruel dickwads you were to everyone for a good couple of decades? And part of you feels that for that everyone must hate you and wish you harm now that you lost your power.

But here's the thing : We don't. For the most part anyway. We're perfectly happy to assimulate you into the greater South African culture. We cheer when schalk burger face plants some pasty little poms head into the ground as loud as anyone. We shag your slutty women (because they drink to much) with great enthusiasm, and even embrace some of your musical talent (nude girls etc). That AB De Villiers ? Huge man crushes country 'round.

So it's not that we don't want you.....here's the kicker........it just seems like you don't want us!

Especially our black brothers. That's easy to understand ...you thought f#c all abour riding your oversized vehicles into their townships and releasing the god old shotgun and sjambok on them. And don't raise your hands and say "not me !!!!"...you did you F#ckers ! Your fathers and mine. We watched on the news as this happened with silent approval as if they were stray dogs. Yes our heads were full of lies and propoganda about communism etc and most of us here were young and didn't know any better than to reject it. A big part of you feels they ought to hate you and have it out to get you...easy that to understand.

...but that's not the terrible part.

This is : To act as if we have nothing to apologise about !!

And that's where you Afrikaaners take the cake and earn everyones hate. You're too sorry feeling sorry for yourself to realise you haven't even stopped for a moment to apologise. and I don't mean tokenism cheering for nelson mandela in 1995, because in the minds of most of you that was enough. No d!ckwads , that's not enough. You've got to learn to be humble , to hold your heads down for a bit , to start treating and speaking to black people like freaking human beings with the appropriate sense of guilt and humility. But what do we get from you instead ? Constant bitching , whinging and insisiting that YOU ARE THE VICTIM .

No, no , no my friends......kindly sh#t the fuck up.

So it's up to you. Stop guarding and celebrating what makes you different to everyone else and start assimulating and celebrating what we have in common.....a wonderful country with a fantastic opportunity to do something amazingly unique in human history......or fuck off to oranje (or whatever that dutchie town is called with it's own currency).